I would like to know exactly at what point in a male’s life that dancing became such a ‘manly’ thing to do. At what point in time did people say ‘hey, I’m peer pressuring you to dance.” It wasn’t a natural progression – maybe it was the idea that if men dance, they’ll attract the attention of various females in the hope that they will eventually hook up with them. When I was in school – even high school – I remember dancing used to be an incredibly gay thing to do. I tried dancing once, and I was at the mercy of my peers various hurtful taunts and jibes. “Gay” they would shout, as I put raised my hand and bounced it in time to the rhythm of “Vi sitter i Ventrilo och spelar DotA.” Even when I was forced to dance as part of assessment, men would refuse – EVEN WHEN DANCING WITH WOMEN. Subsequently I failed that assessment, because I refused to be a part of such social embarrassment, shame and ridicule. From these experiences, it is easy to say that real men do not dance at clubs. Unfortunately, however, this is where the men who take home the women are victorious. The ‘real’ men we are talking about in this blog, are the ones who are left sipping their drinks, leaning at any one of the tables near the dance floor, and are left mentally masturbating over the women who are too drunk to dance properly. The girls casually wobble around in their high heeled shoes like a pair of rickety bridges and eventually into the arms of a male counterpart who happened to be dancing (or standing creepily behind them, watching them dance and not dancing themselves). These guys are the ones who always seem to be suffering seizures on the dance floor due to the frequent, consistent use of the strobe light effect. OR SO I THOUGHT. Apparently these guys are not having seizures at all! They are doing a dance called ‘The Running Man’ whereby they appear to be running on the floor, but are in fact staying in the one spot. This draws parallels between the traditional, prehistoric method of ‘running’ to traverse certain short distances (from A to B) and this somewhat surreal and highly ineffective method of ‘running’ whereby the person initiating the running sequence does not have the intention to traverse a distance by getting from point A to point B, rather, he has the intention of staying in the one spot. In doing so, he uses up energy reserves that would be utilised during a normal running pattern on level ground. Strangely though, these energy reserves could be saved by standing in the same spot, doing nothing which would give the person the same desired result for the runner, but surprisingly he opts out of employing this method. So how does one win over a girl while at a club utilising this method of dance? I’ve compiled a comparison of this method to that of capturing a wild Pokémon in the original Gameboy series.
Use ‘Night Shade’ and sure enough, a wild ‘whore’ type Pokémon appears. ‘Slut’ is among the weakest of these types, and is the most common (like a Pidgey in the original Gameboy game series). As you can see, her health has already been significantly depleted due to her usual drunkenness. These types of Pokémon are weak to money and muscles, but resistant to nerdiness and niceness. If you ever face a ‘Slut’ Pokémon, the first thing you need to do is to use Agility to get in there quickly. Sometimes you’ll miss, or you are ineffective. Its effectiveness is completely reliant on the strength of its special defence stats. Do not, under any circumstances use ‘Flash,’ otherwise, she will use ‘Doubleslap’ or ‘Low Kick’ which is super effective to any type of male Pokémon. Next, I’d highly recommend using ‘Pay Day.’ ‘Slut’ Pokémon are extremely weak to this move, and will almost always take a huge damage to HP levels. Unfortunately, they almost always reply with ‘Mega Drain’ which can be highly effective should there be a critical hit. Be sure to follow up ‘Pay Day’ with ‘Bubble’ or ‘Reflect’ – this allows you to tell her a little bit about your night, and gain a better understanding of hers so that you can determine your next approach. Whilst reflecting on your night, try to make sure you don’t accidentally use ‘Confusion.’ The last thing you want her to do is end up ‘Confused’ and use ‘Withdraw.’ Upon using either move, she may reply with ‘Smokescreen’ which its effectiveness is completely reliant upon the level of resistance male Pokémon are to smoking. If it is super effective, now would be a good time to use ‘Substitute’ and find somebody else. She could also reply with ‘Leer’ or ‘Glare’ if any of your previous two moves were ineffective. If it was effective, stage two of the battle begins.
Use ‘Fly’ to get your battle partner to the dance floor. Often this is super effective against wild ‘Slut’ Pokémon. Ideally, you want her to reply with ‘Mimic’ or ‘Mirror Move.’ Use ‘focus energy’ to increase your powerful ‘Stomp’ move. These two in tandem will ensure you win her over with your dance moves. Do NOT, under any circumstances, use ‘Thrash’ otherwise this will result in ‘Slut’ using ‘Rage’ which is super effective. You are also at a weakness to ‘Hypnosis’ if the female is deceptively attractive. If you are under hypnosis, your best bet is to use ‘Cut’ and run away. If you do not, you will be forced to continue using ‘Pay Day’ until you run out of power points (PP) and eventually HP, and you’ll have to forfeit the match. Ideally, you want ‘Slut’ to reply with ‘Petal Dance.’ If you need to get back some HP you’ve lost, don’t be afraid to use ‘Recover’ or ‘Rest.’ She will generally only ever use ‘Growl’ in retaliation, which does no HP damage. Return to the dance floor and continue using ‘Stomp’ and then try either ‘Wrap’ or ‘Vicegrip’ to bring her closer to you whilst dancing. If she uses ‘Struggle’ be sure to let her go and bail, otherwise Officer Jenny will be on your case. If she replies with ‘Sing’ then try ‘Lovely Kiss.’ Otherwise, she may go for ‘Lovely Kiss’ first. Upon the introduction of ‘Lovely Kiss’ comes the third and final stage of the battle. It is not recommended to use ‘Acid’ – usually this will result in the female becoming poisoned and often leads to her using ‘Waterfall’ – vomiting until she faints.
Use ‘Teleport’ to take her home. If she replies with ‘Scratch’ or any HP damaging moves. Do not attempt to catch her with a Pokéball. Just use ‘Substitute’ and try again with another wild ‘Whore’ type Pokémon. Ideally, you want her to use ‘Submission.’ Once she’s in your room, you gain an increase in all ratings. Weaken her with ‘Water Gun’ and get her some drinks. Make sure, you do not use ‘Toxic’ or she’ll be poisoned and will faint. Use ‘Peck’ just once – if you take too long, she will fall asleep. Next, use ‘Seismic Toss’ or ‘Tackle’ to get her on to your bed. If she replies with ‘Growl’ your only chance is to use either ‘Harden’ or ‘Growth.’ She will reply with more ‘Lovely Kiss.’ When you are ready, use ‘Pound’ or ‘Horn Drill.’ Often, ‘Crabhammer’ works, but she may use ‘Counter.’ She’ll always reply with ‘Absorb.’ She may also reply in addition with other moves too like ‘Scratch’ or ‘Lick’ but that does little damage. When her HP is close to its final quarter, use ‘Drill Peck’ until you are ready to use ‘Explosion.’ End the battle with ‘String Shot’ or ‘Sludge’ and she will attempt to use either ‘Splash’ and then ‘Sleep Powder.’ Make sure you use ‘Minimise’ before she uses this move. When you awaken, if she hasn’t left, decide whether you were under the influence of ‘Haze’ and conclude whether you want to add her to your Pokémon collection. Often most trainers decline to waste Pokéballs on such a weak type of Pokémon, and the sheer experience they get from defeating a wild ‘Whore’ type. If the ‘Slut’ Pokémon uses ‘Scary Face’ upon awakening – it is strongly encouraged to use ‘Self Destruct’ immediately.
Depending on your sexual plasticity, whether you are a ‘Muscle’ or ‘Money’ type, or the ‘Whore’ type Pokémon’s ‘sluttiness’ factor is relatively high, you may bring a partner into battle and use ‘Double Team.’ Under no circumstances should ‘Twineedle’ or ‘Tri-Attack’ be attempted on one female...that would just be a thousand times awkward.
And there you have it. How to pick up a chick at a nightclub using only Pokémon moves.
If anyone has other strategies, be sure to post them here. Even the females can post thier own methods of picking up guys!
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