My favourite story of all time, is the story of Sisyphus and the Boulder. In case you’ve never read my ‘Actual Blog’ (reflectionsofsisyphus.blogspot.com), then the story of Sisyphus was used by Albert Camus as an analogy for the meaning (or meaninglessness) of life. In this mythological tale, weaved from the very fabric of humankind, we follow Sisyphus, who created a deceit that allowed him to escape from the underworld. When he was eventually captured, the Gods decided on a punishment. Sisyphus was required to push a large rock up a steep hill, only to have it roll back down again near the very top, requiring him to start over, ad infinitum. Camus’ interpretation likened Sisyphus’ plight to the everyday lives of people working futile jobs. He states that the distress and tragedy of this plight is only noticed in the rare moments this becomes conscious. This could be referred to the supposed thoughts of Sisyphus as he is walking back down the hill to start over. It seems that Sisyphus is happy and just keeps pushing because he has accepted the futility of the task is beyond doubt and that the certainty of his fate gives him the ability to recognise the absurdity of his situation. The reason why this is my favourite story of all time is because there have been many times where I feel I am Sisyphus, working and proving myself and being as moralistic as I can be, only to witness it all just simply fall back down again and come to nothing. I feel like a simulated person in the Sims continuously swimming around until I fade away, just after someone has deleted the ladder from the pool. These times of learned helplessness can be found when your faced with a pretty girl asking you to hold her bag for you while she gives the guy next to you an outside of the pants hand job, or when someone you like a lot, goes out with a refrigeration and air con mechanic instead of someone as academically gifted as yourself. Anyway, here's the script of how I expect this story to go down, in modern times:
Sisyphus: Well there we go, I’ve somehow managed to put death in chains so that no human can die, and the world will be fine. Completely logical. Don’t ask me how the fuck I managed to pull off this shit, just know that I did it.God: O Hai Sisyphus. You wouldn’t happen to have any idea why people aren’t dying round here would you?
Sisyphus: Who..me? Uh, no. No idea. Why...why do you say that?
God: Well I just tried to kill Fran Dresher today, because her voice is so fucking annoying, but for some reason the bitch won’t die.
Sisyphus: Have you...ummm...have you tried striking her down with some hardcore lightning bolt shit that you do? You know, all that old testament “fuck off” style of shit.
God: Yeah...and it just wouldn’t work. And Rosie O’Donnell was standing right next to her too! I could’ve killed two birds with one stone. You have any idea how much energy I have to generate to summon up one of those lightning blasts? I tell ya, it’s not cheap. Not to mention I have all these ‘Eco Warriors’ on my back about the volume of my carbon emissions. Fucking leftist pricks. Are they ever happy? They’ve got their people in Government, shouldn’t that be enough?
Sisyphus: Yeah. I hear ya. Well, it was good catching up with you.
God: Yeah, yeah. Same to you. Sorry to bother you...
Sisyphus: Nah it’s cool man, I was just making this ball of chain and shit. I’m not in a hurry.
God: Oh that’s nice.
Sisyphus: Well...uh...keep on doing what you’re doing. I’m loving what’s in at the moment. Retro colours. Very nice, I like it, thanks.
God: Oh cool. Thanks, I’m glad you like it. Say...before you go... what’s that in your ball of chain there?
Sisyphus: Hmm?
God: What’s that in your ball of chain there?
Sisyphus: What, this? Oh...it’s just some...stuff. You know, work related junk. It’s nothing important. Just some files I have to um...archive.
God: Files you have to archive in a ball of chain?
Sisyphus: Well...yeah.
God: What’s the chain for?
Sisyphus: Hmm?
God: What’s the, uh, chain for there?
Sisyphus: Protection you know. From Scientologists, yeah? Hahaha.
God: Oh...HAHAHAHA! Good one!
Sisyphus: Hahaha! Yeah, you liked that one didn’t you? Hahaha.
God: Oh, you’re a right laugh aren’t you. Oh hohoho! Anyway, take it easy.
Sisyphus: Leaving so soon? Did you want a coffee? Or stay for dinner, or something?
God: Nah...I got some stuff to do. I’ve got my own ball and chain too. It’s my wife!
Sisyphus: Oh you, God! Hahahaha!
God: Hahahaha. Well, see you!
Sisyphus: Thanks for stopping by!
The Next Day
God: Hey Sisyphus...sorry to bother you again. But, I was just wondering what you have in your ball of chain there. I tried to kill Germaine Greer today and – still these people won’t die.
Sisyphus: Alright! Alright! I realise that I shouldn’t have chained up death! Death is a natural progression of life, and sometimes one person has to suffer so others can live a happier and more peaceful life.
God: See, I knew that yesterday when I saw you. Cause I’m “all-seeing and all powerful” and all that junk. I was just...ummm...testing your...uhhh...moral principles.
Sisyphus: Oh ok. Can I ask you something? Does that lie usually work on people?
God: No, not really...no.
Sisyphus: Yeah...didn’t think so.
God: That lie about the whole ‘Virgin birth’ was pretty good though, right?
Sisyphus: Not really...no. no it wasn’t.
God: Ah.
Sisyphus: Well...You caught me red handed. Yeah, sorry about the inconvenience and stuff. I’ll just give you death back in this chain, and I’ll be on my way.
God: You know what you’ve done here is kinda naughty, k?
Sisyphus: Yeah, I know. I said I was sorry. Sorry God, but I’m kinda running on a tight schedule here. I gotta go.
God: Hmm...well there’s going to be a problem with that because I’ve got to punish you now.
Sisyphus: Oh really? Can it wait, I’ve got to finish this report...
God: I’m sorry but...oh what’s the report about?
Sisyphus: How to escape from the underworld when you die.
God: Oh, that sounds pretty interesting. You got a rough draft?
God: Thanks, I’ll read that tonight. But, yeah, I’m really sorry but I have to punish you...by death.
Sisyphus: Oh really? Ah shucks. Well I guess you gotta do what you have to do don’t you?
God: Yeah...geez. I’m sorry for the inconvenience mate.
God: Oh...by the way, how did you manage to contain death in chains?
Sisyphus: No fucking idea dude. Just did it somehow.
God: Ah...
Sisyphus: Wish I could contain my wife that easily, hey? Hahaha.
God: Oh...OH...HAHAHAHAHA! But, yeah, seriously, you should probably tell your wife you’re not going to be home for dinner tonight.
So God lead Sisyphus to the underworld.
Sisyphus: God is such a fucking chump. If I managed to contain something that doesn’t even exist as an entity in a ball of chain, then I should be able to escape the Underworld.
Sisyphus escapes, but is caught by God.
God: Hey...Sisyphus? Is that you?
Sisyphus: Oh hey God. Yep it’s me.
God: How are you?
Sisyphus: Yeah, pretty good thanks. Just saw the Twilight movie actually.
God: Ah yeah. Any good?
Sisyphus: You know, it’s not too bad. But I can’t work out why vampires play baseball. Aren’t they going to be caught out every time they hit the ball? I mean, they are all fast enough to catch the ball every single time? What is with that?
God: Yeah. I hear ya. Hey, ummm...this is going to sound a little weird...
Sisyphus: Yeah?
God: Yeah...didn’t I just kill you and send you to the Underworld the other day?
Sisyphus: You know...that doesn’t really ring a bell, sorry. I mean, how could I be? I’m alive, here in the outside world. I think you and I know that your accusation seems highly unlikely.
God: Yeah...I suppose it is. Well, I gotta go. My wife’s parents are coming over for dinner tonight. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t an immortal being and I could kill myself. Even the underworld is a more enjoyable environment to be in than her company.
Sisyphus: Aww...gee...sounds like you’re having some marriage problems there. You two should probably go see a councillor or something?
God: Yeah...to tell you the truth, the sex isn’t there anymore. She says I’m too busy ‘Smiting’ people and sending them to the underworld than caring about her interests. She's been hitting on some air conditioning and refrigeration mechanic apprentice or some shit!
Sisyphus: God! What nerve. I mean, that's just too far! What's he got that you haven't?
God: Tell me about it. She thinks I’m spending too much time with Jesus and the boys.
Sisyphus: What? The Apostles? No, that’s strictly work related!
God: I know, right? Anyway, I should probably head back now. I said I just went out to by some savoury crackers...That was about 3 hours ago.
Sisyphus: Hahaha. Well, it was good catching up. Have a great night!
God: Yeah, it was. Hey, apparently Jesus is doing some Stand Up tomorrow night. You should probably come along.
Sisyphus: Oh, he’s still doing that kind of stuff? Healin’ and shit?
God: Yeah. It’s pretty good. He gets some audience plants and stuff. If you want, I could set it up so you can play a blind person or something? A lot of people get their big acting breaks by playing lepers on Jesus’ show. Like, there was Han Mac Tu, the poet.
Sisyphus: Oh? Han Mac Tu, hey? Wow, didn’t know that.
God: Yeah...turns out he did actually have leprosy. That...that was an awkward experience...
Sisyphus: Yeah...
God: ...anyway! I better go.
Sisyphus: Yeah...well, see ya!
God: Yeah...bye!...HEY! WAIT A MINUTE! I did send you to the underworld!
Sisyphus: Oh, haha. Yep, you caught me red handed again. Hahaha. Sorry about that, haha. I’ll, a, just be going back to the underworld now...
God: not so fast! For your deceit, you will be punished by pushing a boulder up a giant hill, for all eternity!
Sisyphus: ...that’s it? A giant freaking boulder?
God: The boulder’s very heavy.
Sisyphus: That’s ok, I’ll get a work out.
God: The hill’s pretty steep.
Sisyphus: That’s ok. Good for cardio.
God: The boulder has dirty moss all over it, and it smells well rank, and your hands will be all dirty!
Sisyphus: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo
So Sisyphus pushed the boulder up the hill...
Sisyphus: Hey, this isn’t too bad...my hands are all dirty, but apart from that, it’s manageable.
And it rolled back down again.
Sisyphus: Say Wha? God! I pushed teh boulder up the hill!
God: Lulz! You see, that’s the catch. You have to keep pushing a boulder up a hill, only to have it roll back down again, ad infinitum.
Sisyphus: Oh...that’s my punishment? I can think of worse punishments. I deserve much worse. I mean, I captured death somehow, I escaped the underworld and deceived you, I slept with your wife...
God: You slept with my wife?
Sisyphus: Twice.
God: Dammit. Now that I come to think of it, there’s probably much worse punishments out there.
Sisyphus: Yeah, plus, I have eternal life. So there’s plenty of time for me to work out a way to get out of doing this.
God: Fuckbeans!
Sisyphus: you know...this isn’t bad. I could get used to this. At least it’s better than listening to Fran Dresher’s voice all day.
