I would like to know exactly at what point in a male’s life that dancing became such a ‘manly’ thing to do. At what point in time did people say ‘hey, I’m peer pressuring you to dance.” It wasn’t a natural progression – maybe it was the idea that if men dance, they’ll attract the attention of various females in the hope that they will eventually hook up with them. When I was in school – even high school – I remember dancing used to be an incredibly gay thing to do. I tried dancing once, and I was at the mercy of my peers various hurtful taunts and jibes. “Gay” they would shout, as I put raised my hand and bounced it in time to the rhythm of “Vi sitter i Ventrilo och spelar DotA.” Even when I was forced to dance as part of assessment, men would refuse – EVEN WHEN DANCING WITH WOMEN. Subsequently I failed that assessment, because I refused to be a part of such social embarrassment, shame and ridicule. From these experiences, it is easy to say that real men do not dance at clubs. Unfortunately, however, this is where the men who take home the women are victorious. The ‘real’ men we are talking about in this blog, are the ones who are left sipping their drinks, leaning at any one of the tables near the dance floor, and are left mentally masturbating over the women who are too drunk to dance properly. The girls casually wobble around in their high heeled shoes like a pair of rickety bridges and eventually into the arms of a male counterpart who happened to be dancing (or standing creepily behind them, watching them dance and not dancing themselves). These guys are the ones who always seem to be suffering seizures on the dance floor due to the frequent, consistent use of the strobe light effect. OR SO I THOUGHT. Apparently these guys are not having seizures at all! They are doing a dance called ‘The Running Man’ whereby they appear to be running on the floor, but are in fact staying in the one spot. This draws parallels between the traditional, prehistoric method of ‘running’ to traverse certain short distances (from A to B) and this somewhat surreal and highly ineffective method of ‘running’ whereby the person initiating the running sequence does not have the intention to traverse a distance by getting from point A to point B, rather, he has the intention of staying in the one spot. In doing so, he uses up energy reserves that would be utilised during a normal running pattern on level ground. Strangely though, these energy reserves could be saved by standing in the same spot, doing nothing which would give the person the same desired result for the runner, but surprisingly he opts out of employing this method. So how does one win over a girl while at a club utilising this method of dance? I’ve compiled a comparison of this method to that of capturing a wild Pokémon in the original Gameboy series.
Use ‘Night Shade’ and sure enough, a wild ‘whore’ type Pokémon appears. ‘Slut’ is among the weakest of these types, and is the most common (like a Pidgey in the original Gameboy game series). As you can see, her health has already been significantly depleted due to her usual drunkenness. These types of Pokémon are weak to money and muscles, but resistant to nerdiness and niceness. If you ever face a ‘Slut’ Pokémon, the first thing you need to do is to use Agility to get in there quickly. Sometimes you’ll miss, or you are ineffective. Its effectiveness is completely reliant on the strength of its special defence stats. Do not, under any circumstances use ‘Flash,’ otherwise, she will use ‘Doubleslap’ or ‘Low Kick’ which is super effective to any type of male Pokémon. Next, I’d highly recommend using ‘Pay Day.’ ‘Slut’ Pokémon are extremely weak to this move, and will almost always take a huge damage to HP levels. Unfortunately, they almost always reply with ‘Mega Drain’ which can be highly effective should there be a critical hit. Be sure to follow up ‘Pay Day’ with ‘Bubble’ or ‘Reflect’ – this allows you to tell her a little bit about your night, and gain a better understanding of hers so that you can determine your next approach. Whilst reflecting on your night, try to make sure you don’t accidentally use ‘Confusion.’ The last thing you want her to do is end up ‘Confused’ and use ‘Withdraw.’ Upon using either move, she may reply with ‘Smokescreen’ which its effectiveness is completely reliant upon the level of resistance male Pokémon are to smoking. If it is super effective, now would be a good time to use ‘Substitute’ and find somebody else. She could also reply with ‘Leer’ or ‘Glare’ if any of your previous two moves were ineffective. If it was effective, stage two of the battle begins.
Use ‘Fly’ to get your battle partner to the dance floor. Often this is super effective against wild ‘Slut’ Pokémon. Ideally, you want her to reply with ‘Mimic’ or ‘Mirror Move.’ Use ‘focus energy’ to increase your powerful ‘Stomp’ move. These two in tandem will ensure you win her over with your dance moves. Do NOT, under any circumstances, use ‘Thrash’ otherwise this will result in ‘Slut’ using ‘Rage’ which is super effective. You are also at a weakness to ‘Hypnosis’ if the female is deceptively attractive. If you are under hypnosis, your best bet is to use ‘Cut’ and run away. If you do not, you will be forced to continue using ‘Pay Day’ until you run out of power points (PP) and eventually HP, and you’ll have to forfeit the match. Ideally, you want ‘Slut’ to reply with ‘Petal Dance.’ If you need to get back some HP you’ve lost, don’t be afraid to use ‘Recover’ or ‘Rest.’ She will generally only ever use ‘Growl’ in retaliation, which does no HP damage. Return to the dance floor and continue using ‘Stomp’ and then try either ‘Wrap’ or ‘Vicegrip’ to bring her closer to you whilst dancing. If she uses ‘Struggle’ be sure to let her go and bail, otherwise Officer Jenny will be on your case. If she replies with ‘Sing’ then try ‘Lovely Kiss.’ Otherwise, she may go for ‘Lovely Kiss’ first. Upon the introduction of ‘Lovely Kiss’ comes the third and final stage of the battle. It is not recommended to use ‘Acid’ – usually this will result in the female becoming poisoned and often leads to her using ‘Waterfall’ – vomiting until she faints.
Use ‘Teleport’ to take her home. If she replies with ‘Scratch’ or any HP damaging moves. Do not attempt to catch her with a Pokéball. Just use ‘Substitute’ and try again with another wild ‘Whore’ type Pokémon. Ideally, you want her to use ‘Submission.’ Once she’s in your room, you gain an increase in all ratings. Weaken her with ‘Water Gun’ and get her some drinks. Make sure, you do not use ‘Toxic’ or she’ll be poisoned and will faint. Use ‘Peck’ just once – if you take too long, she will fall asleep. Next, use ‘Seismic Toss’ or ‘Tackle’ to get her on to your bed. If she replies with ‘Growl’ your only chance is to use either ‘Harden’ or ‘Growth.’ She will reply with more ‘Lovely Kiss.’ When you are ready, use ‘Pound’ or ‘Horn Drill.’ Often, ‘Crabhammer’ works, but she may use ‘Counter.’ She’ll always reply with ‘Absorb.’ She may also reply in addition with other moves too like ‘Scratch’ or ‘Lick’ but that does little damage. When her HP is close to its final quarter, use ‘Drill Peck’ until you are ready to use ‘Explosion.’ End the battle with ‘String Shot’ or ‘Sludge’ and she will attempt to use either ‘Splash’ and then ‘Sleep Powder.’ Make sure you use ‘Minimise’ before she uses this move. When you awaken, if she hasn’t left, decide whether you were under the influence of ‘Haze’ and conclude whether you want to add her to your Pokémon collection. Often most trainers decline to waste Pokéballs on such a weak type of Pokémon, and the sheer experience they get from defeating a wild ‘Whore’ type. If the ‘Slut’ Pokémon uses ‘Scary Face’ upon awakening – it is strongly encouraged to use ‘Self Destruct’ immediately.
Depending on your sexual plasticity, whether you are a ‘Muscle’ or ‘Money’ type, or the ‘Whore’ type Pokémon’s ‘sluttiness’ factor is relatively high, you may bring a partner into battle and use ‘Double Team.’ Under no circumstances should ‘Twineedle’ or ‘Tri-Attack’ be attempted on one female...that would just be a thousand times awkward.
And there you have it. How to pick up a chick at a nightclub using only Pokémon moves.
If anyone has other strategies, be sure to post them here. Even the females can post thier own methods of picking up guys!
This note is dedicated to a girl. It’s not a story about love nor is it a story about hate. It’s a story based around a simple question, with each second of silence proceeding it more thought provoking than the next.
It started when she slowly poured cheap red wine into a chilled Bordeaux glass she had “lying around.” She carefully eyeballed the glass like a scryer would a crystal ball , until the liquid reached midpoint. I reached for the glass, but she playfully slid it further away from my outstretched hands. She smiled and instructed me to ‘stare deeply into the glass.’ Was she going to show me my future? My reverie was interrupted by her soft voice, floating delicately towards my ear on a gentle wave of sound. “My mother told me that you can tell a lot about a person by what they see within the confinement of a wineglass. My mother was an alcoholic, but she rarely gave me advice, and we both saw different answers when we gazed into it. Tell me what you see. Is the glass half full or half empty?”
*** At the time, I never really bothered to answer her question. Instead, as a starry eyed nineteen year old fighting through the coldest winter months of 2007, I bleakly proclaimed that our society’s strong individualistic tendencies mould us into imitators, and if imitation is unsuccessful, we become disappointed and disenchanted with ourselves to the point of bitterness and despair which ultimately lead us to social segregation. My declaration, albeit merciless and condemning, was not as radically melodramatic as first thought. Ruminating on that night now, I doubt she remembers our conversation and since then our fractured friendship has given way like the bracing on a burning bridge and her memory of my voice has likely become an indistinguishable sound collage in her life’s soundtrack. Because of this, I wish I could sincerely apologise, but I know that there is a strong chance that she will never read this note. Regardless, I feel more willing now to pour myself a glass and find out.
Every single weekday seems to tick by in a hurried blur as I fail to keep up with the expectations of my colleagues. However, by the time Friday and Saturday evening roll by, as if to mock me, time lets up, and gives me a few sustained hours of reflection. It is at this time I feel the warm glow of the neon lights, a warmth I once felt from the summer sun’s rays as a naive adolescent with the future far ahead of me. I find a bittersweet comfort in what should be a noticeable culture clash for me – The meaningfulness of life juxtaposed with the meaninglessness of clubbing life – and I soak up the culture, like I would the customs of a different society. Despite this, the neon lights are an austere reminder of how lonely I really am, no matter how many people bump into me in a drunken stupor, and spill their drinks on me whilst dancing to The Bloody Beetroot’s ‘Warp 1.9’ as if they haven’t played it the same evening twice already. While everyone else was packing condoms into their wallets, I packed myself a crinkled daily bus ticket that I got more than my $2.90 worth out of and yielded to the arbitrary and unforgiving world of Brisbane nightlife. The bus trip involved sitting at the front, listening to the deafening screams of several drunken partygoers eager to commence their night of intoxication.
My first stop is Fridays on Eagle Street. The glamorous drinking venue known by many, at the time, to be the ‘place to be’ on a Thursday night. Apparently I am the only one who sees the paradoxical irony in going to a ‘club’ incongruously named Fridays on its more popular Thursday nights, while its Friday nights could be more effectively likened to the abandoned wasteland in the popular Fallout video game series? Regardless, I rendezvoused with my friend and we commenced our infamous journey around the establishment, eyeballing potential females and a table a safe distance away where we could discuss hypothetical situations we would find ourselves in to ever start a conversation with them. Conversations usually follow (but are not limited to) the following formula:
“That girl looks hot” “Yeah” “She’s alright” “Yeah” Ad infinitum.
After engaging in some enthralling conversation detailing my disgust regarding the blatant mixing of both real and hypothetical continents in the original Pokémon Gameboy adventures, I started to feel a little thirsty. Upon noticing one of the finest beers to have ever graced my lips (Coopers) on tap, I immediately proceeded to the bar and joined the queue. I am never completely sure how to act when I approach the bar counter. Should I lean? Should I wave my fifty dollar note like a white flag of surrender, yielding to the unglorified fate that the bartender will be the only female to start a conversation with me on purpose tonight? I decide to hunch slightly over the bar, when I notice out of the corner of my eye a group of girls approach the bar and immediately fix their eyes on the television where Australia was getting slaughtered in the Rugby. As I’m waiting patiently for service (as everyone else seems to be attended to first), I turned my head and decided to strike up some conversation. “Atrocious game isn’t it?” I say, with a hint of disappointment. At this moment in time, I am a rabid fan of Rugby Union. Annoyed by my remark, she stared coldly into my eyes like she would to any irritant, human or otherwise, and replied, “Sorry?” I repeated original remark and she continued to stare at me blankly. I reiterated, knowing full well that this conversation was going to conclude on the next words uttered from her lips. She turned back to me, clearly exasperated by my incessant socialising, and offered a nonchalant acknowledgement, and moved across the bar counter, to her friends who had already purchased her a shot of some description.
Surprise, surprise – I’m still waiting at the bar. Finally, in a valiant act of altruism, a horizontally challenged woman directed the bartender to me. I nodded her thanks, then looked at the bartender. She stared back at me, with utter contempt. I didn’t receive a smile, or even one raised eyebrow in acknowledgement. Great, I’m thinking. The one girl who should have been a definite guarantee of initiating a conversation with me is angrily staring back at me like I was someone who had just said that the initiation level in Driver was justified in its inexplicable requirement of completely insanely difficult manoeuvres in such a short amount of time. Nevertheless, I ordered a schooner of Coopers. She sighed as she poured me a glass. She was a horrible pourer and was constantly tempted to ask her whether it was possible to get some beer with all that head. I thought it best not to push my luck, as she shot me stares like I had stomped on her pet dog’s head when she was twelve.
I return to my table and my friend is off, talking to the girl I had my eye on. I have nothing else to do, so I pull out my HTC Touch phone and resume my game of bubble breaker. People pull out there phones all the time when they are alone to avoid looking like a loser, so I don’t see why I can’t continue to follow this trend. One girl walked past and saw me playing bubble breaker, and let out a disgusted sigh of some sort that resembled the neighing of a horse. My friend came back and, in his excitement at getting a number, accidently knocked his drink over on the table. As the alcohol poured out over the table like Niagara falls, a group of ‘older’ women glared at us, as if we committed a genocide reminiscent of Adolf Hitler’s plight against the Jews. Yes, we purposely knocked over an alcoholic beverage that WE PAID FOR just so we could look bad ass. After all, what else would we be doing whilst wearing leather jackets and greased hair? My friend sat down, animated about getting the number of the girl I had my eye on. He replied to me with, “don’t hate the player, hate the game.” When people utter this phrase in relation to love and relationships, it frustrates me – but I can’t help realising how right they truly are. The art of relationships and picking up can be related to a game. That game is one of the greatest multiplayer shooters of all time: Counter-Strike.
For those n00bs who do not know of this ‘Counter-Strike’ game – please GTFO. You’re as useless as a Metapod in battle. So for the rest of you, why is Counter Strike, a game where you have to either plant a bomb at specific sites as a Terrorist, rescue hostages as a Counter-Terrorist, or eliminate the entire opposition, so comparable to the formulation of relationships, and the dynamics of a human’s ability to love and win over the opposite gender? Because it accurately sums up the attitudes, values and beliefs of players in both ‘games’, and the juxtaposition of the dominant discourse of how they achieve victory in both forms of the game. So, let’s have some fun, this beat is sick, I want to take a ride on your disco stick – and prepare to find out why you should hate the PLAYER, and not the game like first thought.
Let’s start with player dynamics. Usually, in maps where there are bomb sites for the terrorists to plant a bomb to win the map, players are forced to rush as a unit to succeed. However, often when players rush by themselves they are shot down quite early on by the hungry, camping CTs.
Consider this scenario in a Counter-Strike setting. The map is de_dust2 on CS Source. The terrorists need to plant the bomb at B, so they go through tunnels, and are met by two CTs around the corner, camping and waiting for the Terrorist player to come through. One decides to ‘Chuck Norris’ it through, and gets shot down because of his incompetence. He does manage to get a couple of shots on the CTs, and their health has been greatly diminished. It’s getting near the end of the map now, so the CTs are getting a little bit bored and less attentive. Another terrorist player comes along, who is much better than the last, and manages to shoot both CTs in the head, killing them instantly, due to their low health.
Now consider this scenario in a clubbing setting: Two girls are waiting at a table for a man to walk through. Eventually, one male comes over to the table early in the evening. By this time, the females have only had one or two drinks. He is immediately shot down by 25 rounds of sprayed insults. However, the male manages to get a couple of shots into the two girls because of his sheer incompetence, and their self esteem is reduced slightly. As the clock is about to run down on the evening, the girls have had about 10 drinks and are completely shitfaced but still ‘camping’ by the table. A much better player comes over to the table, he’s a little bit more attractive than person A, and because of their reduced self esteem and their increased drunkenness, they are susceptible to his shots. He eventually head shots them both – in more ways than one. Fuck the player!
After growing tired of the snobbish people prancing around the club like some kind of sultan, and the DJs weak attempt at scratching between popular house tracks, I decided to leave Fridays and continue on my journey. You’re welcome to join me too – this is just the beginning of the amazing adventures of Matt and Pikachu. My journey is destined to be packed with nonstop action, millions of laughs, heart pounding perils and endless excitement. Together, we’ll encounter fantastic friends, evil enemies, and meet creatures beyond our wildest imagination. And as our story unfolds, we’ll unlock the magic and mystery of a most wondrous place - the incredible world of Brisbane.
The Council of Willis was established by Lord Embryo, fulfilling the vision outlined in Cerebrum’s Holy Nodial Parchments.Since its inception, under guidance from the several Vizier’s, it has lead to the democratic rule of the entire land of Myelin.As intermediary for the Emperor, Embryo was responsible for bringing the word of Cerebrum to the people of Myelin, and responsible for maintaining the myriad of branches in the Council.
Embryo rewrote and extended Cerebrum’s Holy Nodial Parchment and the formulation of these scriptures ushered the beginning of the Mesencephalon age.In 51MB (Midbrain), on the East of Myelin, several states of Colliculi seceded from the region of Tectum.This resulted in a bloody civil war between the newly formed Confederate States of Colliculi and the Ventral Tegmental Area (VTA).The war lasted for two years, until The Council of Willis stepped in to aid the Ventral Tegmental Area with well equipped forces.The coalition between The Circle of Willis and the Ventral Tegmental Area, resulted in the formulation of the Superior Colliculi, which through attrition, eventually crushed the later titled Inferior Colliculi forces.
Sylvius, the leader of the Inferior Colliculi, surrendered to Lamina II, leader of the Superior Colliculi forces, after the death of his father Lamina I was the catalyst for the Circle forces to aid the Ventral Tegmental Area.Lamina II was appointed to the Council of Willis as minister for power.
It was later exposed that Embryo went against the word of Cerebrum by aiding VTA forces in the Tectum Civil War.Embryo was shamed and Lamina II was appointed to Grand Vizier to the Emperor of the Cortex by unanimous council vote.
Because of Embryo’s loyalty to Lamina II and the Superior Colliculi, he remained in the Council of Willis as Grand Seer of Willis and continued to write the second set of scriptures from Cerebrum.
The Eastern regions of Myelin – the ones furthest away from the Circle of Willis – started to lose faith in the Council of Willis due to this corruption and Sylvius, now in hiding from Superior Colliculi forces, started to create a rebellion movement called the Red Nucleus from his hidden Cerebral Aqueduct.Eventually he was captured by Tectum spies, and sentenced to execution by stoning in 33MB.
In 13MB, Embryo grew sick, and eventually died of Tuberculosis.He completed his three Nodial Scriptures, and formulated the doctrine of Cerebrum, serving as the general teachings of Cerebrum.The third scripture, written as Grand Seer, served as a detailed teaching of the ways of life Cerebrum envisioned in The Holy Nodial Parchments.The Mesencephalon age ended soon after when Lord Lamina II invested more into the Ministry of Power, to combat the rising rebellion of the Red Nucleus.
It wasn’t until the beginning of the Prosencephalon Era, that students were able to fully understand the Scriptures written by Embryo.After working very closely with Embryo, Lamina II fell ill to Tuberculosis and died suddenly in 3FB.Stria Medullares, who was the Minister for Power under Lamina II, was voted succeeding Vizier to the Emperor.Under his rule, he ordered a more ruthless assault on regions suspected of funding Red Nucleus rebels.He ordered his Superior Colliculi forces to slay everyone in the region of Epithalamus.He joined them in battle, leading his army as they pillaged, killed and raped their way through the battle.
During Stria’s absence, Lamina III – Assistant to the Minister of Sphericity- urged the Council to make a vote of no confidence in their current Vizier, due to his emphasis on power, rather than uniting the lands.They yielded and instated Tenia Thalami (Minister for Sphericity) as Vizier.On Stria’s return, he was told by Councilmen that Lamina III lead a vote of no confidence over Stria’s leadership, and because he was demoted to Minister of Power, ordered the imprisonment of Lamina III.However, Lamina III killed Stria in his sleep, before he could put through the order, and Lamina III was promoted to Minister of Power in 21FB, the first person to be promoted across Ministries.
However, Stria’s damage could not be undone, and several Eastern regions in the land of Myelin, began to join together in rebellion of the Council.Tenia Thalami ventured to these Eastern regions in an effort to generate peace, however he was killed in 45FB by Red Nucleus insurgents.Acting Vizier, Zona Incerta, assumed the role of Vizier in 46FB and focused on a balance of Power and Sphericity, rather than the peaceful negotiations of Tenia Thalami.Lamina III was upset by the decision, believing the council had become corrupt, so Zona Incerta promoted him to Grand Seer of Willis to keep peace amongst the Council.
This period marked the Battle of Metathalamus – where insurgent Red Nuclei forces resisted Superior Colliculi forces and denied them entry to their battlements.In Anterior, the insurgents defended the Medial area because of their heavily fortified base, and their elevated battlements.Superior Colliculi forces attacked from the Lateral area and eventually wore down their attack.The Battle For Anterior ended with Superior Colliculi attacking the Red Nuclei forces from behind their battlements.They were quickly outnumbered and killed.
The Battle For Tuberal was easily won by the Superior Colliculi forces, lead by Zona Incerta, who attacked both the weak Lateral and Medial defenses.However, as Superior Colliculi soliders closed in on the region of Metathalamus, the Battle For Posterior ended in victory for The Red Nucleus due to the success of their guerilla tactics.When news of the Superior Colliculi’s failure in the Battle For Posterior spread throughout the Western Region of Myelin, Harbenula Nuclei, Minister For Power at the time, committed ritualistic suicide by cutting off pieces of his flesh to feed the hungry and weary soldiers that won the previous two battles.
Having been shamed, Zona Incerta stole the uncompleted scripture he wrote after witnessing a vision from Cerebrum focusing on spiritualistic powers and went into hiding in a cathedrial in the land of Ranvier, the most royal of lands, and the most religious and began to study the scriptures religiously.He learned the ways of harnessing Grey Matter, axons flowing through the body of those only with the purest souls, and how to use this to become more powerful.He completed his scripture, and taught everything he knew to an apprentice, named Substantia Nigra.He named those who could harness the power of White Matter as Nodes of Ranvier, and sent Substantia Nigra to give the completed scriptures to the Council of Willis.Zona Incerta became the first Node of Ranvier.Before he died, he built a monument to Cerebrum, and before its completion, he gouged his own eyes out so that the monument could be seen by Cerebrum only.
In the scriptures, Nigra finds out that Zona Incerta trained another apprentice before him, named Corona Radiata, whom he muses was his greatest accomplishment and success.Because of this Zona Incerta sent the Node of Ranvier to Metathalamus to take the rebel area of Posterior.Nigra grew angry and jealous that he was not the first choice and set out to kill his master Zona Incerta, and his favourite apprentice, Corona Radiata.
He returns to Ranvier where he sees a blind Zona Incerta, who senses his presence.He explains that he ceased training early with Nigra because he needed to inform the Council of his intentions to take Posterior.Substantia Nigra tries harnessing his White Matter, but it turns Black as the night.Zona Incerta senses this but is overwhelmed by Nigra’s power due to his weakened state from building a monument and starvation.He is killed in 72FB.
Since this time, Globus Palladis had taken over as Vizier of the Cortex.After reading about Zona Incerta’s discovery, he sent Substantia Nigra, with the Superior Colliculi forces to Metathalamus to assist Corona Radiata.This marked the beginning of The Battle Of Striatum.The Superior Colliculi forces were well outnumbered as the Red Nuclei rebellion had grown in numbers due to its growing influence on the Eastern side of Myelin.The Superior Colliculi forces were losing quickly in a long, bloody battle.Substantia Nigra aided the soldiers to the best of his ability, until their army was eventually defeated after 6 brutal days of battle.Meanwhile, news spread about Corona Radiata’s surrender at Posterior, and Substantia Nigra lost his faith in The Council of Willis.He relinquished his alliance and faith with the Superior Colliculi, and the Council of Willis and began to assist Red Nuclei forces with the location of future Superior Colliculi battle advantage points.It was not too long before the Superior Colliculi forces were completely wiped out.Corona Radiata escaped from battle and fled back to the Circle of Willis to deliver the message.It was around this time, that Cerebellum was born (73FB).
Red Nuclei forces were starting to go on the offensive, and claimed many cities on the far Western side of the Circle of Willis, causing the Circle of regions to dissociate.It wasn’t until the execution of Globus Pallidus, Lamina III and the other leaders of the Circle of Willis in 83FB that The Circle of Willis lost its power over the land of Myelin, and one small region remained which was now referred to as Willis.Substantia Nigra, now the leader of the Red Nuclei, entered the Council of Willis and single handedly tortured, mutilated and executed Globus Pallidus in front of the Then Circle of Willis.Lamina III tried to flee to Ranvier but was shot upon his escape several days later.
Red Nuclei forces pushed the Willis supporters out, and were willing to kill any dissenters.Corona Radiata protected the Willis rebellion, and would constantly go from city to city to protect travelers who came under attack from Red Nuclei forces.He trained the children who lived in Willis, to build up an army of supporters.And eventually their numbers grew once the knowledge of their intentions spread throughout the land.His army would regularly visit neighbouring cities that were once a part of the Circle of Willis and defend them from Red Nuclei forces.Their support grew in numbers, due to the increasing oppression of citizens by Red Nuclei forces and figures of power.
After raiding several villages nearby, and destroying Government monuments and buildings, Corona Radiata noticed one of the soldiers writing a diary.Since most of the history of the Circle of Willis was destroyed by Red Nuclei forces as a part of their censorship laws, most information of the history of Myelin had been preserved in Ranvier, which was untouched by Red Nuclei forces.However, this soldier was writing out ways to create order amongst the regions, and create a new Circle of Willis.Corona Radiata was much impressed with the work the soldier had written, and invited him to Ranvier (which was only a place that those of high stature could ever go) to read over the history.Once there, they engaged over political and moral debates.Since most people born since the oppression of Willis by the Red Nuclei army were not given names, Corona Radiata named the soldier Cerebellum, due to his likeness to the views and moral ideologies of Cerebrum.He promoted Cerebellum to General of his armies, and began to train him secretly in Ranvier, teaching him the techniques that Zona Incerta had taught him previously.Making him an Apprentice Node of Ranvier.
After 10 years, 93FB, when the Willis Rebellion grew in numbers, Cerebellum and Corona Radiata would go out together and take even larger regions with their army, and started to have an influence on the land of Myelin.This prompted Substantia Nigra to join his army in defense of the region of Tentorium.This marked the battle of Tentorium, which resulted in a one on one battle between Corona Radiata and Substantia Nigra, after both groups of soldiers were completely wiped out.Corona Radiata had told Cerebellum that he was far too young to aid him in battle and needed to protect the region of Ranvier and the people of Willis and preserve the history of Myelin.Though Cerebellum did not originally accept this, he finally gave in and stayed back.
The battle between Corona Radiata and Substantia Nigra was bloody and fierce and lasted three days.Both fighters were exhausted.However, Corona Radiata soon succumbed to his exhaustion and was defeated.Substantia Nigra had extracted his revenge on Zona Incerta by defeating his rival.However, the battle had a huge toll on his influence, as it took him several months to recover from the battle, and Red Nuclei forces were losing power due to the soldiers under Cerebellum’s command.
Cerebellum officially became a Node of Ranvier, the ultimate protector of Myelin.The rebellion began to gain strong influences from the land of Myelin and many regions joined their cause.This resulted in the formulation of the People’s Sociocracy of the Circle of Willis in 113FB.Regions started to build up a strong economy free from censorship and oppression.Cerebellum became President and formed his own Council from notable scholars and philosophers whom he freely let access the archives in Ranvier.He appointed the young scholar, Fornix, as Minister for Defense, young philosopher Corpus as Chancellor, and young philosopher Pons as treasurer.
One of these scholars was named Medulla Oblongata, who was only 9 years old.Fascinated by the history of how the scriptures of the Circle of Willis came to be, he caught the attention of Cerebellum upon presentation of political ideology proposals to the council.Because of his very young age, Medulla Oblongata was often ostracized by his peers, despite his unparalleled wisdom.Cerebellum came under the impression that he was a member of the ancient Royal Lord Embryo bloodline, which was still thought to exist according to the Nodial scriptures.Cerebellum immediately took Medulla Oblongata under his wing, and trained him as his apprentice Node of Ranvier.
During his training, Cerebellum noticed that whilst Medulla was harnessing his matter to source his power, he had problems controlling it, and would often let the matter get the better of him.As he aged, and his training became more physical, it was soon found, due to a deep wound caused by training, that Black Matter flowed through his veins, and not White Matter, meaning that he was plagued with a heart of evil.At first, Cerebellum was going to kill his apprentice, but his contribution to the broadening of the People’s Sociocracy in battles was invaluable.The soldiers he lead into battle would constantly return victorious.Cerebellum eventually concluded that it was the jealousy that Substantia Nigra had for Corona Radiata as the true Node of Ranvier that caused him to follow the black matter and revolt against the Circle of Willis.So, to keep the Black Matter dormant in his system, he promoted Medulla Oblongata to Node of Ranvier under the new order of the council, giving him full control of the Node Army, at age 21.
He bravely lead the army into battle against the Red Nuclei, and helped them claim regions they were not able to conquer previously, such as Tentorium, and Posterior.The Circle started to claim its status over the entire region of Myelin, as the Red Nucleus began to lose influence.However, in the Battle of Basal Ganglia, Medulla Oblongata came face to face with the Red Nuclei leader, Substantia Nigra, who was replicating more powerful techniques that Medulla Oblongata had learned.After being defeated in battle, Medulla Oblongata fled to the caves of Cuneus, where he meditated for a number of years.It was there, he found an ancient scripture that was omitted from the Ranvier archives about the original Circle of Willis’ unsupported and publically shamed decision to step in and take sides in the ancient civil war.
Medulla Oblongata took the scripture back to Ranvier and categorized it, and in doing so, studied Zona Incerta’s manipulation of matter scriptures, in an effort to make himself more powerful.In doing so, he learned of the shaming of an un-named student as Node of Ranvier due to his Black Matter content.Realising that he too had black matter pumping through his veins, he ventured to Striatum to find out methods make himself more powerful to defeat Substantia Nigra and the Red Nucleus army and bring peace to the land of Myelin.
He became so obsessed with the scriptures he found, that he craved more power, and learned to embrace his Black Matter emotions, such as anger and hatred and jealousy to make himself more powerful – something that White Matter people are not able to do (leading to the general assumption they are always going to be weaker).
After being away for 15 years, Medulla Oblongata requested for more training sessions with Cerebellum.While they sparred, Cerebellum noticed a large power increase and asked how he managed to increase his power.Medulla Oblongata lied and told him that it was from battling numerous foes and spreading the word of the Circle to those throughout Myelin, and meditation.Medulla Oblongata continued to lead his soldiers into battle and eventually the stranglehold that Red Nucleus had on the land of Myelin had started to subside with the capture of Substantia Nigra at the hands of the Node Army.
Substantia Nigra was imprisoned at Precuneus.However, upon his capture, Medulla Oblongata noticed that Substantia Nigra was the un-named student that was shamed for harnessing black matter.Medulla Oblongata secretly paid frequent visits to Substantia Nigra to learn how to harness Black Matter to its full potential.In return, Substantia Nigra asked Medulla Oblongata to smuggle cryptic messages out to Anonymous Red Nucleus members.When Substantia Nigra taught Medulla Oblongata everything he knew, he asked him to spare his life, to which he ignored and proceeded to torture him and disembowel him.
Cerebellum found out about Medulla Oblongata’s regular visits, and he questioned him about it.To which Medulla Oblongata asked about how he can completely wipe out the East Myelin and thus the Red Nucleus supporters by genocide.Cerebellum was against this, and there was a large fissure in the friendship between the two.Medulla explained to Cerebellum that learning all the new powers from Substantia Nigra has made him stronger than Cerebellum and anyone from the Red Nucleus Army.
Medulla Oblongata lead the Node Army through many bloody battles and eventually controlled most of the Eastern side of Myelin.The most notable of these battles, was the Battle of Meninges Forest where, against the wishes of Cerebellum, Medulla Oblongata burned most of the forest down to outflank the Red Nuclei soldiers training in the hidden barracks there.In the process, he killed most of his own army, who had been losing due to the Red Nuclei’s guerilla tactics.President Cerebellum was so enraged about this that he removed the title of Node of Ranvier from Medulla Oblongata and appointed Brodmann as his replacement.On Medulla’s return to the Circle of Willis, he was greeted by Brodmann who told him that he was no longer the Node of Ranvier.Medulla Oblongata became enraged and killed him – making Brodmann the shortest official serving Node Of Ranvier in existence, 2 days.
With news of Brodmann’s death getting to Cerebellum, he immediately issued a warrant for Medulla Oblongata’s arrest, due to war crimes.The entire region of Myelin heard of Medulla Oblongata’s rogue status and the Eastern Myelin areas and the crumbling Red Nucleus army offered their support to Medulla Oblongata.Medulla Oblongata accepted their proposal and formed his own army called the Olivary Body.This was unbeknown at the time to Cerebellum.
After 10 years, settlements were being over run in the East, and soon the entire Eastern region of Myelin was under the authority of the Red Nucleus (which was now known as the Olivary Body).Cerebellum and the rest of the Council feared that Medulla Oblongata had joined the rebels.
One day, Medulla Oblongata walked directly into the Council of Willis chambers during debate, and attacked each of the members.Cerebellum, Fornix, Corpus and Pons came down and engaged him in a duel.However, most of the council members were not trained in the art of matter manipulation, and were easily beaten by Medulla Oblongata.Cerebellum and Fornix battled Medulla, but Medulla’s manipulation of Black Matter was far too strong for the two.In the battle, the Council chamber was destroyed and most of the region around the area was severely damaged.In order to protect the residents in the area, Fornix and Cerebellum lead Medulla Oblongata to the remaining area of the Meninges Forest, where they battled.Eventually Fornix was defeated, and Cerebellum was too weak to beat Medulla Oblongata.With his last ounce of strength, Cerebellum aimed to separate the East and West regions of Myelin for good, to end all wars, by manipulating the black matter to create a large gap between the two – called the Lateral Fissure – where between the two areas, there was space called The Subarachnoid Space.In doing this, Medulla Oblongata stayed on the East side, while Cerebellum stayed on the West.No one would be able to cross the Chiasm to get to either side.Fornix then created a protective Sheath called The Myelin Sheath to protect the citizens of the West if anyone ever did cross the Chiasm.As soon as this occurred, the land of Myelin entered a new Age.
In 1HB, Cerebellum began to rebuild society and train a Node of Ranvier.He selected Cerebellar Vermis and commenced training him.The council decided that it was in their best interest to return to their Empire style of Government – to create a greater religion influenced land.Cerebellum appointed himself Grand Vizier to the Emperor of the Cortex, with Fornix as Grand Seer and Corpus as Supreme Prophet.Pons became the Minister for Sphericity and Cerebellar Vermis became the Minister for Power.However, the Circle of Willis was crippled with a poor economy due to trading between East and West being cut off.The region struggled for 25 years with a weak economy.
Meanwhile, Medulla Oblongata created the Medullary Pyramids in Metathalamus, which became a source of his power.The people who lived on the East were heavily oppressed, but were economically strong, due to their reliance on technology.From the power source by the Pyramids, Medulla Oblongata was able to travel to the West side of Myelin by one of Four Ventricles.Originally these were created as waypoints by the Superior Colliculi to mount a fast counterattack at Metathalamus.However, the fourth ventricle lead to Subarachnoid Space.Medulla Oblongata searched for the remaining three ventricles.
Cerebellum prayed to Cerebrum for a economic breakthrough.And because of their newly founded return to belief, they were rewarded with a mining economy.The Circle of Willis were then able to trade between neutral cities.Though this was barely significant, but allowed them to last 20 years.With an increasing reliance on hygiene, people in the Circle of Willis were able to live far longer than ever, with people who were able to harness White Power more effectively living the longest due to the force behind the matter protecting internal organs from deteriorating with age.
Cerebellar Vermis became a Node of Ranvier and began to train an apprentice, so that he could focus on his Council place.After 25 years, he began to train a young soldier by the name of Axon Hillock, who was picked from a young Nodial army barracks.Axon Hillock had a unique ability to harness his power to create electrical jolts.
During this time, on the Eastern side of Myelin, Medulla Oblongata was trying to find a Ventricle to pass over to the West side of Myelin.In his journey, he came across a nomad by the name of Kurtosis, who was obsessed with the booming of technology, and studied a way to cross the Lateral Fissure by way of creating an Optic Chiasm with a certain technological device he called The Golgi Apparatus.He explained to Medulla Oblongata that if he crossed this way, he would be able to keep his power, instead of transforming into liquid to pass through the ventricle.For him to pass through with the Golgi Apparatus, he must have one built on each side, like a transporter.Medulla Oblongata had a mission for Kurtosis, and allowed him to pass through the Third Ventricle to generate economy for the Western side of Myelin by sharing the technology there as a front for creating a Golgi Apparatus.
Kurtosis created ANOVA corporation on the outskirts of the Circle of Willis, and shared great technological advancements with their Neutral regions in the area.Cerebellum found out about this and stated that technological advancements would create trouble within the region.Kurtosis agreed to keep the technology out of the Circle of Willis regions, but said he would help the Circle generate a stronger economy by trading to various Neutral cities.
The Circle of Willis became extremely prosperous and Kurtosis was regularly regarded as the Messiah and the Saviour amongst the citizens.He was rewarded with a place on the Council.
As Kurtosis started becoming trusted amongst the Circle.Medulla Oblongata had found the First and Second Ventricle.Because he can only pass through them once only, he figured he could pass through the first, check and see if Kurtosis was fulfilling his mission, and exit via the second ventricle.He decided to commence work on the Golgi Apparatus just in case something went wrong and he was stuck in the West of Myelin without power.
After 20 years, Axon Hillock became a Node of Ranvier.Kurtosis had started to create the Golgi Apparatus.Medulla Oblongata passed through the first Ventricle and mated with a female in one of the Neutral cities, impregnating her.He then visited ANOVA corp to witness Kurtosis’ progress.He then returned to Metathalamus through the second ventricle.
Zacheus and Matthias were born in 91HB.
This is the start of Book One in the Lord of the Willis Trilogy entitled: The Dark Prince. Coming Soon.
I’ve been flipped off quite a lot lately. Yes, that’s right. People who I have probably never even met before are presenting me with their middle finger as I walk down my street, wait at my bus stop...even when I’m buying a Mighty Angus burger at the McDonalds in The Gap Village. At first, I thought it was harmless skylarking, or a case of mistaken identity, but after several random occurrences over the past three years, I’m starting to doubt it (though not enough to write a whole series of meditations about it). Just the other week I was sitting at the bus stop and on the opposite end of my street, as the bus slowly gathered momentum to drive away, there, in the corner of my eye, I saw a middle finger propped up against the glass – like the hand pressing up against the car window in that movie Titanic – looking directly at me. That middle finger was solely intended to be received by yours truly, and it stung like a wasp, penetrating my skin with its sharpened cold ovipositor. The boy in the flat baseball cap (I would like to point out at this time when the FUCK it was alright to have a straight flat brim on a baseball cap? When did that start being cool? I thought only females had flat brimmed caps. But no, gangsta looking kids with big fuck off silver chains start wearing them now. I saw this kid strut around the city asking me for a cigarette, trying to be all hard and shit, and I couldn’t refrain from laughing at him because of his flat brimmed cap. He also wore those huge t-shirt jersey things that have rappers names on them, like 50 Cent, or Eminem. You know, those things you pick up from a rip off clothing store merchant at the Forest Lake markets. But, I digress...) turned around and snickered to his friend and continued to look directly into my eyes. This was no mistaken identity, this was intended for me. So I did what any ordinary guy would do, raised his one by giving him the two finger salute. Except I didn’t. I just stood there helplessly, rotating my neck 90 degrees until the bus disappeared over the hill, out of sight.
My name is Matt Bate and I’m a musician. Well...I try to be. *sigh* Here’s the thing. I’m struggling to come up with lyrics for the songs I’ve written for this album I’m trying to release. Yeah, I know, it’s kind of silly. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t been trying. The true story I told you above was the dominant discourse behind my double CD concept album entitled; ‘Twilight: The Unofficial Soundtrack.’ Now you’d think that would be a whole album’s worth of inspiration right there. But I haven’t even got one measly song out of it (yet)! But I hear you say that with a title like that, I could make millions. That’s accurate, but the real truth is, I want to make music that I’m proud of and the music world is proud of. Oh why, oh why can’t I be as successful as some of the more popular, and critically acclaimed lyricists out there like Lady Gaga or The Millionaires. Fuck it, I’d even settle for Eamon or Frankee for that matter.
So, I’m in a rut. I need to find some sort of inspiration for my song writing other than my own personal experiences. I need to write songs that will appeal to the general public or at least stir up some controversy. So, I figure I may as well do what others do in need of inspiration – study and review other musician’s lyrics in an effort to draw some inspiration for myself, and eventually, steal their ideas, market them as my own and sell millions. Oh, and I’ll probably do a few covers of Wonderwall, Hallejula (Jeff Buckley’s version) or Iris too.
For the best inspiration, one needs to look at the most critically acclaimed of songwriters, Lady Gaga. Though she hasn’t been on the scene too long, Lady Gaga has had no trouble shooting straight to the top of the charts with her well crafted and feisty (Allmusic, 2008) Grammy Award Nominated album The Fame, resulting in a plethora of hit singles such as Poker Face, Just Dance, Eh, Eh and perhaps her most critically acclaimed offering yet, LoveGame. In fact, the song ‘LoveGame’ is so highly praised that it rightly deserves its arty two word fusion. But the art pop doesn’t stop right there. The innovation can clearly be seen when we dissect the truly moving and profound lyrics of LoveGame for ourselves. Already, it’s got reviewers licking their lips. Even my mate Ben ‘Normie’ Norman of About.com can’t get enough of her “assault” of “clever” lyrics (2009). But don’t take Normie’s word for it, the British Broadcasting Corporation also chipped in with their lavishing praise, commenting that “(LoveGame’s lyrics are)...deemed as brilliant as well as utterly cold.” I hear you guys asking now, what these well received lyrics are. Ok, brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen. The lyrics are;
Let’s have some fun, This beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.
Dammit! I wish I thought of that! Those are some of the most brutal lyrics I’ve ever heard. Excuse me while I put the pieces of my mind that blew out of my head back together, and destroy every single Bob Dylan album I have in my possession. After seeing those lyrics, I just had to listen to the whole song. And I wish I didn’t, because I can’t listen to any Beatles or Marvin Gaye albums anymore without feeling the need to smash my skull in with a hammer. Nothing in music satisfies anymore. The song is riddled with symbolism and hidden meanings that you can’t simply grasp and comprehend with one lesson. Examples of this symbolism include:
I got my ass squeezed by sexy cupid
At first I wasn’t sure who this cupid character was, so I did a couple of hours of research and found that Cupid was a mythological Roman God associated with erotic love and beauty. Often a symbol on valentine’s day.
Seeing as I’ve never received or given a valentine’s day gift (see Valentine’s Day blog for further information), I previously didn’t know this. But now, I can safely interpret these lyrics accordingly:
A male found Lady Gaga erotically attractive, and thus, instead of shooting her with an arrow to inspire love, he squeezed her buttocks instead.
Truly inspiring stuff. How many musicians do you know that use Roman Mythology in their lyrics huh? Let’s look at another one.
You've indicated your interest, I'm educated in sex
It seems from these lyrics that because this male has inspired love by squeezing the singer’s anus, like Cupid and his golden tipped arrows, she has realised his intentions and is simply stating that she is not only an attractive female, but she is well educated, especially in the art of sexual intercourse and thus, from further analysis of the chorus, would like to demonstrate her vast knowledge of this practice by letting him put his penis inside her vagina, for her enjoyment.
She also leaves us guessing with some lyrics too, which keeps us listening over and over to try and figure out what she is trying to say before she is rudely interrupted by being pleasured. See if you can guess what she’s trying to say here:
I can see you staring there from across the block with a smile on your face and your hand on your c (huh!)
Yes, “huh?” Indeed. I am not one hundred per cent sure what she is trying to say here. Sometimes, sublime musicians keep things relatively cryptic for artistic merit. I personally think she’s about to say camera, but I can’t be too sure. Feel free to discuss what you think she says here. So we’ve covered the music sensation that is Lady Gaga. One thing I’ve learned from analysing her lyrics is that, I need to use a lot of symbolism and historical referencing in my music.
The next group I focused my keen musical eye on are a MySpace phenomenon known as The Millionaires.
These three girls are super sassy and don’t mind telling it like it is. They describe themselves as a cross between the Beastie Boys and The Peaches (I’ve never heard of them, but it seems The Millionaires are a much better musical force than those unknowns will ever be), and after purchasing Macintosh computers (which are, in my opinion, the best type of computers you can get for everything) and tinkering with Garage band, they created some tracks. But it’s the lyrics that really shine, straight down to their intelligent and witty song titles like “Just Got Paid, Let’s Get Laid.” However, it’s their song Talk Shit, that coincidentally, has got everybody talking (no pun intended). But they aint talkin’ shit. Oh no. Others be talking shit about them. Now I’ve realised that a lot of popular bands like The Beatles, Queen and Led Zeppelin have been at one time or another criticised by music listeners for various reasons, but The Millionaires aren’t going to simply sit down and take it. Oh no, they’re going to stand up and show the world female empowerment, in all its pride – by dressing up like sluts, acting like sluts, and talking like sluts. God bless feminism. But don’t let me persuade you, just take a look at these wonderfully crafted lyrics and see for yourself.
Money, Diamonds, Gold, and Ice. Yeah talk shit you'll pay the price. Shut up cunt I'll cut your tongue. Back down bitch you're fuckin' done.
The singers are upset because their music has been criticised. They retaliate by stating that they have a lot of expensive material possessions in the way of jewellery and thus, are more successful than the dissenter will ever be. They conclude the first verse by threatening the vagina-like abuser with physical violence in the form of cutting off their tongue if they do not back down from insulting them, thus putting an end to any further taunting.
Talk shit to us you fucking haters. You're the ones who fuckin' made us. Shut your mouth or I'll cut your tongue. Back down bitch you're fuckin' done.
The singers are upset because the general public are questioning the credibility of their music, to which they retort that it was the general public that made them successful. Perhaps this was based on their controversy or appeal to the generic pop community. Like the first verse, they conclude by threatening physical violence if the insults continue.
You think this shit just comes easy. Lets see you try you fuckin' beezy. Make you're shit reach number one. Back down bitch you're fuckin' done.
The singers are simply stating that a lot of hard work and effort went in to creating the music for their album and that they are eagerly awaiting their dissenters to try and create music that can reach the same plateau-like standard that they themselves have achieved.
This is to you moms and dads. You hate our shit, what a drag. I'm the one who fucks you're son. Back down bitch you're fuckin' done.
The singers dedicate this particular verse to the mothers and fathers in the world who do not appreciate the level of quality their music reaches. They jokingly state sarcastically that they are upset by their views of their music, but retort that they have engaged in sexual intercourse with their children, because it is them, themselves, that have aided in the rise of popularity of their music, and to an extent, enjoy their frivolous and angsty music as much as life itself. So, what I’ve learned from The Millionaires is that I need to be angsty, angry and merciless to my haters. In addition, I need to constantly use colourful language to express my views and present my attitudes, values and beliefs to listeners everywhere.
Because of sheer length, I have to split this note into two parts :( so next week: I’ll look at lyrics by the Grammy award winning artist Lil Wayne from his Grammy Award winning album ‘Tha Carter III.'
My favourite story of all time, is the story of Sisyphus and the Boulder. In case you’ve never read my ‘Actual Blog’ (reflectionsofsisyphus.blogspot.com), then the story of Sisyphus was used by Albert Camus as an analogy for the meaning (or meaninglessness) of life. In this mythological tale, weaved from the very fabric of humankind, we follow Sisyphus, who created a deceit that allowed him to escape from the underworld. When he was eventually captured, the Gods decided on a punishment. Sisyphus was required to push a large rock up a steep hill, only to have it roll back down again near the very top, requiring him to start over, ad infinitum. Camus’ interpretation likened Sisyphus’ plight to the everyday lives of people working futile jobs. He states that the distress and tragedy of this plight is only noticed in the rare moments this becomes conscious. This could be referred to the supposed thoughts of Sisyphus as he is walking back down the hill to start over. It seems that Sisyphus is happy and just keeps pushing because he has accepted the futility of the task is beyond doubt and that the certainty of his fate gives him the ability to recognise the absurdity of his situation. The reason why this is my favourite story of all time is because there have been many times where I feel I am Sisyphus, working and proving myself and being as moralistic as I can be, only to witness it all just simply fall back down again and come to nothing. I feel like a simulated person in the Sims continuously swimming around until I fade away, just after someone has deleted the ladder from the pool. These times of learned helplessness can be found when your faced with a pretty girl asking you to hold her bag for you while she gives the guy next to you an outside of the pants hand job, or when someone you like a lot, goes out with a refrigeration and air con mechanic instead of someone as academically gifted as yourself. Anyway, here's the script of how I expect this story to go down, in modern times:
Sisyphus: Well there we go, I’ve somehow managed to put death in chains so that no human can die, and the world will be fine. Completely logical. Don’t ask me how the fuck I managed to pull off this shit, just know that I did it. God: O Hai Sisyphus. You wouldn’t happen to have any idea why people aren’t dying round here would you? Sisyphus: Who..me? Uh, no. No idea. Why...why do you say that? God: Well I just tried to kill Fran Dresher today, because her voice is so fucking annoying, but for some reason the bitch won’t die. Sisyphus: Have you...ummm...have you tried striking her down with some hardcore lightning bolt shit that you do? You know, all that old testament “fuck off” style of shit. God: Yeah...and it just wouldn’t work. And Rosie O’Donnell was standing right next to her too! I could’ve killed two birds with one stone. You have any idea how much energy I have to generate to summon up one of those lightning blasts? I tell ya, it’s not cheap. Not to mention I have all these ‘Eco Warriors’ on my back about the volume of my carbon emissions. Fucking leftist pricks. Are they ever happy? They’ve got their people in Government, shouldn’t that be enough? Sisyphus: Yeah. I hear ya. Well, it was good catching up with you. God: Yeah, yeah. Same to you. Sorry to bother you... Sisyphus: Nah it’s cool man, I was just making this ball of chain and shit. I’m not in a hurry. God: Oh that’s nice. Sisyphus: Well...uh...keep on doing what you’re doing. I’m loving what’s in at the moment. Retro colours. Very nice, I like it, thanks. God: Oh cool. Thanks, I’m glad you like it. Say...before you go... what’s that in your ball of chain there? Sisyphus: Hmm? God: What’s that in your ball of chain there? Sisyphus: What, this? Oh...it’s just some...stuff. You know, work related junk. It’s nothing important. Just some files I have to um...archive. God: Files you have to archive in a ball of chain? Sisyphus: Well...yeah. God: What’s the chain for? Sisyphus: Hmm? God: What’s the, uh, chain for there? Sisyphus: Protection you know. From Scientologists, yeah? Hahaha. God: Oh...HAHAHAHA! Good one! Sisyphus: Hahaha! Yeah, you liked that one didn’t you? Hahaha. God: Oh, you’re a right laugh aren’t you. Oh hohoho! Anyway, take it easy. Sisyphus: Leaving so soon? Did you want a coffee? Or stay for dinner, or something? God: Nah...I got some stuff to do. I’ve got my own ball and chain too. It’s my wife! Sisyphus: Oh you, God! Hahahaha! God: Hahahaha. Well, see you! Sisyphus: Thanks for stopping by! The Next Day
God: Hey Sisyphus...sorry to bother you again. But, I was just wondering what you have in your ball of chain there. I tried to kill Germaine Greer today and – still these people won’t die. Sisyphus: Alright! Alright! I realise that I shouldn’t have chained up death! Death is a natural progression of life, and sometimes one person has to suffer so others can live a happier and more peaceful life. God: See, I knew that yesterday when I saw you. Cause I’m “all-seeing and all powerful” and all that junk. I was just...ummm...testing your...uhhh...moral principles. Sisyphus: Oh ok. Can I ask you something? Does that lie usually work on people? God: No, not really...no. Sisyphus: Yeah...didn’t think so. God: That lie about the whole ‘Virgin birth’ was pretty good though, right? Sisyphus: Not really...no. no it wasn’t. God: Ah. Sisyphus: Well...You caught me red handed. Yeah, sorry about the inconvenience and stuff. I’ll just give you death back in this chain, and I’ll be on my way. God: You know what you’ve done here is kinda naughty, k? Sisyphus: Yeah, I know. I said I was sorry. Sorry God, but I’m kinda running on a tight schedule here. I gotta go. God: Hmm...well there’s going to be a problem with that because I’ve got to punish you now. Sisyphus: Oh really? Can it wait, I’ve got to finish this report... God: I’m sorry but...oh what’s the report about? Sisyphus: How to escape from the underworld when you die. God: Oh, that sounds pretty interesting. You got a rough draft? God: Thanks, I’ll read that tonight. But, yeah, I’m really sorry but I have to punish you...by death. Sisyphus: Oh really? Ah shucks. Well I guess you gotta do what you have to do don’t you? God: Yeah...geez. I’m sorry for the inconvenience mate. God: Oh...by the way, how did you manage to contain death in chains? Sisyphus: No fucking idea dude. Just did it somehow. God: Ah... Sisyphus: Wish I could contain my wife that easily, hey? Hahaha. God: Oh...OH...HAHAHAHAHA! But, yeah, seriously, you should probably tell your wife you’re not going to be home for dinner tonight. So God lead Sisyphus to the underworld.
Sisyphus: God is such a fucking chump. If I managed to contain something that doesn’t even exist as an entity in a ball of chain, then I should be able to escape the Underworld. Sisyphus escapes, but is caught by God.
God: Hey...Sisyphus? Is that you? Sisyphus: Oh hey God. Yep it’s me. God: How are you? Sisyphus: Yeah, pretty good thanks. Just saw the Twilight movie actually. God: Ah yeah. Any good? Sisyphus: You know, it’s not too bad. But I can’t work out why vampires play baseball. Aren’t they going to be caught out every time they hit the ball? I mean, they are all fast enough to catch the ball every single time? What is with that? God: Yeah. I hear ya. Hey, ummm...this is going to sound a little weird... Sisyphus: Yeah? God: Yeah...didn’t I just kill you and send you to the Underworld the other day? Sisyphus: You know...that doesn’t really ring a bell, sorry. I mean, how could I be? I’m alive, here in the outside world. I think you and I know that your accusation seems highly unlikely. God: Yeah...I suppose it is. Well, I gotta go. My wife’s parents are coming over for dinner tonight. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t an immortal being and I could kill myself. Even the underworld is a more enjoyable environment to be in than her company. Sisyphus: Aww...gee...sounds like you’re having some marriage problems there. You two should probably go see a councillor or something? God: Yeah...to tell you the truth, the sex isn’t there anymore. She says I’m too busy ‘Smiting’ people and sending them to the underworld than caring about her interests. She's been hitting on some air conditioning and refrigeration mechanic apprentice or some shit! Sisyphus: God! What nerve. I mean, that's just too far! What's he got that you haven't? God: Tell me about it. She thinks I’m spending too much time with Jesus and the boys. Sisyphus: What? The Apostles? No, that’s strictly work related! God: I know, right? Anyway, I should probably head back now. I said I just went out to by some savoury crackers...That was about 3 hours ago. Sisyphus: Hahaha. Well, it was good catching up. Have a great night! God: Yeah, it was. Hey, apparently Jesus is doing some Stand Up tomorrow night. You should probably come along. Sisyphus: Oh, he’s still doing that kind of stuff? Healin’ and shit? God: Yeah. It’s pretty good. He gets some audience plants and stuff. If you want, I could set it up so you can play a blind person or something? A lot of people get their big acting breaks by playing lepers on Jesus’ show. Like, there was Han Mac Tu, the poet. Sisyphus: Oh? Han Mac Tu, hey? Wow, didn’t know that. God: Yeah...turns out he did actually have leprosy. That...that was an awkward experience... Sisyphus: Yeah... God: ...anyway! I better go. Sisyphus: Yeah...well, see ya! God: Yeah...bye!...HEY! WAIT A MINUTE! I did send you to the underworld! Sisyphus: Oh, haha. Yep, you caught me red handed again. Hahaha. Sorry about that, haha. I’ll, a, just be going back to the underworld now... God: not so fast! For your deceit, you will be punished by pushing a boulder up a giant hill, for all eternity! Sisyphus: ...that’s it? A giant freaking boulder? God: The boulder’s very heavy. Sisyphus: That’s ok, I’ll get a work out. God: The hill’s pretty steep. Sisyphus: That’s ok. Good for cardio. God: The boulder has dirty moss all over it, and it smells well rank, and your hands will be all dirty! Sisyphus: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooo! So Sisyphus pushed the boulder up the hill...
Sisyphus: Hey, this isn’t too bad...my hands are all dirty, but apart from that, it’s manageable. And it rolled back down again.
Sisyphus: Say Wha? God! I pushed teh boulder up the hill! God: Lulz! You see, that’s the catch. You have to keep pushing a boulder up a hill, only to have it roll back down again, ad infinitum. Sisyphus: Oh...that’s my punishment? I can think of worse punishments. I deserve much worse. I mean, I captured death somehow, I escaped the underworld and deceived you, I slept with your wife... God: You slept with my wife? Sisyphus: Twice. God: Dammit. Now that I come to think of it, there’s probably much worse punishments out there. Sisyphus: Yeah, plus, I have eternal life. So there’s plenty of time for me to work out a way to get out of doing this. God: Fuckbeans! Sisyphus: you know...this isn’t bad. I could get used to this. At least it’s better than listening to Fran Dresher’s voice all day.
