Valentine’s Day: Because no relationship is worth coming home empty handed. That’s the motto for the most overcommercialised ‘holiday’ this side of Santa’s sack. The same women that complain about the desecration of the Crucifixion and Resurrection of Jesus Christ by a demonic, chocolate egg wielding bunny, expect flowers or some kind of expensive gift during the course of the day. Which is surprising, because Valentine was the historical reference to early Christian Martyrs, and no romantic elements were present during its origin. So where did this obsession with love, material possessions and wearing ‘sexier’ underwear that day come from? Step inside the magic school bus, strap your bones right to the seat, as we delve deep into the human psyche and examine the absurdity of Valentine’s Day.
"You know, valentine's day is like herpes. Just when you think it’s gone, it comes right back. No wonder some people prefer to call it VD."
So here we are on Valentine’s Gay. To start with the criticism, V Day is a discriminatory ‘holiday’ where nobody wins, unless their gender starts with a ‘w’ and ends with ‘omen.’ I mean, it’s not even an official fucking holiday for crying out loud! You get no time off work, or school. In fact, you don’t even get paid extra for working on the day! So why do they call it a holiday? So anyone who has to work on the day doesn’t win, and if they work as a florist or at a chocolate shop, they generally have to work twice as hard. Secondly, if you’re single and you work or attend school on Valentine’s Day, it can be either a rewarding (rarely this occurs) or embarrassing (usually the case) time of year. Valentine’s Day is just another excuse for the jocks or the good looking girls to insult and reduce the confidence and dignity of the ‘not so cool’ kids. One high school actually used buying Valentine’s Day roses as revenue raising, allowing you to give them to other students. How is that not encouraging bullying? Parents say bullying comes from kids watching violence or other miscellaneous bullshit on TV or interacting with friends, but they fail to look at the school’s events. To be fair, I sent one rose to someone when I was in Grade Twelve. Well...I would have, if I had given a damn. But because I didn’t, the girl I admired at the time didn’t get a rose, and probably got teased for not getting one, or cried herself to sleep that evening, and I didn’t get one either, which didn’t bother me none either because I wasn’t expecting one. But, I’d be lying if I didn’t feel some tingling pain of rejection. It’s the feeling that no girl out there actually cares about the way you are, or your health and doesn’t even notice the amount of effort you put in to presentation for the school day (I really didn’t give a fuck about that part, so I’m excused). Thirdly, some women take VD (Valentine’s Day) very seriously, even more seriously than men in some cases, and may inflict self-harm if they don’t receive a valentine. There’s nothing funny about that! So, if you’ve got a suicidal female loner (we’ll also say that she is fat) who doesn’t receive a V Day gift or card, then the school may have officially driven her to killing herself! That seems like a very innocent and fun revenue raiser for the school, doesn’t it? In fact, the only roses that fat Susie will be getting, are the ones left on her grave by her parents. I think I put my whole foot over the line this time.
“Nothing says I love you quite like dead vegetation, saturated fat and slutty lingerie.”
Before I go into greater detail about the criticisms of Valentine’s Day, I should take this opportunity to probe into the history of Valentine’s Day. As I stated in the opening paragraph, Valentine’s were the names of early Christian martyrs. The catholic church honoured two of these, Valentine of Rome and Valentine of Terni. Enter the undersexed Jacobus de Varagine who thought it would be a swell idea to chronicle the ‘Golden Legend’ which became the early premise for the Valentine’s Day we celebrate today despite it not even containing a single reference to ‘sentimental love.’ Then along came a bunch of bumbling fucktards who thought it would be a sweet idea to associate the very first valentine with the golden legend. The story goes that Emperor Claudius II decided “hey, young men shouldn’t fall in love! This is definitely a good idea, there is no way that this isn’t a good idea.” Now, if there was an even bigger prick than the 3/100 of women who believe that Valentine’s Day is more important than an Anniversary, then it would be this guy. He did this to build his army, believing that married men were pussies and were no good at fighting (he obviously hadn’t met the Spartans who only cared about fighting and fucking when not fighting). The priest Valentine, however, was like “damn, that’s a bitch.” So he secretly had young men married. When Claudius found out about this, he was mega pissed, and had Valentine thrown in jail. In an embellishment to The Golden Legend, on the evening before Valentine was to be executed, he wrote the first "valentine" himself, addressed to a girl he loved, and it read “from your Valentine.” So there you are, Valentine’s Day has been a sham ever since around 250 AD. I wonder if the people who embellished the story thought that people would be chiselling clichéd love notes into rocks in the near future? Or, even chiselling the first ever dildo from rock. I wonder if that was the angel Michelangelo saw in that classic story by Joel Osteen.
“Nothing says you’re special quite like mass produced sentiments written by someone else.”
The lengths that people go to present gifts for their Valentine is extraordinary. The normal people opt for clichéd cards with mass produced sentiments that are meant to look intended for just your special someone, but are in fact shared with several other card holders. Some people may even go with their own poems, like I have in recent years. So, I now present you with a poem I wrote for a girl when I was in grade two. Complete with spelling mistakes.
Roses are red
Vilets are blue
your hair is butifull
and I love you
Some people opt for the classic chocolate and roses gifts. A tried but true and safe means of expressing how important money is in this fabrication of love. However, you can be even more adventurous. Here are a list of ‘accepted’ gifts to give that special someone on V Day.
Erotic Story Penning: Here’s an interesting one for the partners who are failing in reality but have a wild and vivid imagination. Have someone pen an erotic story for your partner complete with illustrations and filthy, dirty language. You can even choose the writer. So if you chose the author as Bret Easton Ellis, writer of American Psycho, you can imagine the story being something along these lines:
“He ripped off her dress with such ferocity that the fabric cut through her skin. He viciously pounded her with such intensity that he reached for some sulphuric acid, some cheese and 2 metres of PVC pipe...”
Or, what would happen if you chose Tom Clancy to write your erotic story? It might be a little something like this:
“The redneck gun ho American reached for his hunting rifle, because it is his right to bear arms as stated in this wonderful country’s constitution. He saw the terrorists getting up to no good...those damn Afghanis have a nuclear warhead and they are about to set it off at the White House. The redneck tried not to worry, so he went back inside his house and beat his wife.”
Ok, so the erotic novel doesn’t sound like a great idea...let’s have a look at another acceptable V Day present.
Dildo: Not just any dildo mind you. The manufacturer labels this a ‘high end teledildonic device.’ How it works, is that the boyfriend can email what he wants the sex toy to do to the girl for her to download to her teledildonic device. Then BAM, instant pleasure. What really else is there for a dildo to do besides vibrate and flop around like a dead fish? Now I’m no Mack daddy of pounding ‘vag’ nor am I the proprietor of a tuna taco stand, but I’m pretty sure if a cock vibrated something fierce that that, then I’d assume you’d be having sexual intercourse somewhere cold like Antarctica, or having sex with some with Parkinson’s Disease – like Michael J Fox. A friend of mine, who happens to be a girl (amazing I actually have friends who are female!!! :O), received one of these devices for her 18th birthday. Unfortunately, her boyfriend accidently sent the teledildonic instruction email to me. So, I thought there’s nothing better than to post it for you!
Dear Teledildonic Groove Vibrator,
I am too much of a pussy to be with my girlfriend tonight because I very much suck at teh sex. Please pleasure my woman by performing the following actions:
1. Vibrate
2. Flop around like a dead fish
3. Stop vibrating
4. Stop flopping around
5. Vibrate again
If you can make her orgasm, it would be very much appreciated.
Thanking you in advance.
Sincerely,
Inadequate Boyfriend.
If you’re strapped for cash, then perhaps you could make your own dildo by making a mould of your member in silicone rubber. The idea is that she gets your dick without the additional teen soap opera drama involvement. However, I think the jock types would probably be so obsessed with their own immortalised manhood, that they would probably keep it for themselves, display it proudly and smirk whilst nodding their head as if they are single headedly responsible for the size of their penis.
Poem: Much like having an erotic story penned for your lover, but only this time, it’s more personal. Know the ins and outs of your partner by presenting them with a poem about how much they mean to you, or how much you want them. Here’s how one might go...
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I would really, really,
really like to fuck you
Let’s not forget about those who want to ask the girl of their dreams out on this historic and important holiday. The most amazing thing about valentine’s day is that you can say even the most creepy things, and they just seem ‘cute’ or ‘lovely.’ Take for example this quote from a secret male admirer to a female,
“I’ve noticed you around campus for a long time, and now that it’s valentine’s day today, I just wanted to tell you that you are the most beautiful girl that I have ever seen...”
Awww...so lovely. Most people become moist over unrequited love. But any other day, this would have been interpreted like this:
Damn that shit is sexy. Another popular ‘geek seeks girl by wooing her with overly romantic symbolism’ is this quote:
“On Valentine’s Day, I wanted to give you my heart...”
Same deal again. This is the literal interpretation of what has been said:
Mmmmm. If that didn’t win her over, I don’t know what will. What are ya waiting for? Go get ‘im tiger!
“Cupid was always a terrible shot”
Ok, by now, you may be attributing my antivalentinism to the fact that I never had a girlfriend on the day, I never received a gift or rose at school or never had a secret admirer. It’s true, I have never received a Valentine’s Day rose or had a relationship over Valentine’s Day. Bearing this in mind and though that is the case, to think that is the reason would leave you making a spurious correlation between lack of romance on V Day and high bitterness levels. I honestly don’t care about Valentine’s Day, and if there was ever a time I gave a fuck, it would have been in high school where I involuntarily competed with others to see how many roses I could achieve. Not a single person has voluntarily given me a gift on V Day, ever. I can recall a time in school where a girl brought in several heart shaped lollipops for everyone, and I didn’t get one, so I asked for one and the girl said no. In high school, they at least said ‘yes’ which was nice.
I really could go on all day about my Valentine’s Day Anecdotes, but I seriously couldn’t be bothered. And I doubt you could even be bothered reading. After all, it is Valentine’s Day, you should all be busy buying shit for your partners and having penetrative sex.
P.S. - no magic school bus adventure would be complete without the kick ass theme. So I found it on Youtube and decided to put it up for you to enjoy! Think of it as 'fucking music' ...or not. It's up to you.
