• Economic Collapse
• Peak of Oil Production
• Rapid Climate Change
• Global Water Crisis
And so on and so forth. But it was one notable omission from the list that really surprised me. One of the biggest problems of our time, if not, any time period. Sure, economic collapse seems a given, but does it stack up to the Great Depression of the 1930s? I think not. So it’s hardly a problem at the moment is it? Call me when Krudd’s political ideologies turn to extremism.
No, the real problem lies with the following scenario. I’m sitting down on a nice comfortable couch, perhaps a nice leather one, (aka, not one with funky textile bullshit), with a cold scotch on the mother fucking rocks (or, seeing as in this scenario I’m like nine or ten years old, I am drinking a coke). I’m playing my Gameboy, you know, like a regular nine year old kid, with the Pokémon Red cartridge firmly slotted in to the receptacle, like a comfortably fitting shoe. I always preferred Pokémon Red to the others (I owned all three of the games. I never understood why, but when I finally got older, I realised that I bought three versions of what was essentially the same fucking game) and thus, when the Pokémon convention came round in 1999, I chose it as the rightful bearer of the elusive Mew Pokémon, the convention had promised me. You see kids, when Pokémon was huge, we had these things called conventions, and they were located in the Myer centre (just outside Mr Toys Toyworld if I can remember correctly...talk about manipulation of children much?). This particular one allowed you to play the Pokémon trading card game against another person (I beat the cunt too), allowed you to sing the Pokérap with a gigantic Pikachu mascot and, more importantly, receive a totally brand new Pokémon you can’t actually get in the game at all!
Where is this story going? Well, Mew was categorised as Pokémon number 151. That’s no problem. So there’s 151 Pokémon now, not 150 like we were first led to believe (lying bastards. First Hiroshima, now this). That’s not the problem. Here’s the problem. Pokémon number 150 is named Mewtwo. According to the Pokédex(an electronic encyclopaedia that lists each Pokémon in the world) in Pokémon Red, Mewtwo was created by a scientist after years of horrific gene splicing and DNA engineering experiments. In Pokémon Yellow, the Pokédex listing changed to “its DNA is almost the same as Mew's. However, its size and disposition are vastly different.” Now, if its DNA is exactly the same as Mew’s, and it was created by a scientist after years of horrific gene splicing, could MEWTWO HAVE A HIGHER NUMBER THAN MEW ON THE NATIONAL POKÉDEX?
To put it plainly:
MEWTWO #150 > MEW #151
I mean, it’s so fucking obvious that Mewtwo is named after Mew. It’s a second Mew! That’s how they got the fucking name!!! What also puzzles me, is that in the game, they actually note that Mew was found first. Where? On Cinnabar Island, head to the Pokémon mansion, and read the diary entries there. If you don’t have a copy of the game, here’s a copy of the script I downloaded from some nerd who had nothing better to do than write out the complete script to the game;
Diary 1 : July 5
Guyana, South America
A new POKEMON was discovered deep in the jungle.
Diary 2 : July 10
We christened the newly discovered POKEMON, MEW.
Diary : Feb. 6
MEW gave birth. We named the newborn MEWTWO.
Diary : Sept. 1
MEWTO is far too powerful. We have failed to curb its vicious
tendencies...
So there we go. Mew was found first, hence it should have been categorised under the Pokédex first before Mewtwo. Why do Nintendo insist on keeping the original National Pokédex listing? The only explanation I could possibly give, on behalf of Professor Oak, the creator of the Pokédex, is that they believed Mewtwo was just a DNA clone of some bullshit, and was ignorant enough to not consider it a clone of...well, I dunno, another Pokémon not named Mew? Or just some scientist’s crazy creation. Either way, it doesn’t explain for Pokémon Yellow’s definition for Mewtwo. Remember, it’s: “its DNA is almost the same as Mew's. However, its size and disposition are vastly different.” Do you think that Prof Oak, when he programmed the Pokédex, was like,
Professor Oak: Dratini, you look like a sea serpent. Dragonair, you’re slightly longer than Dratini and people will feel ripped off when their Dratini evolves into you. Dragonite, somehow you evolve from 2 Pokémon who look exactly the fucking same as each other – way to go. Well that’s Dratini, Dragonair and Dragonite done. Right...what have we got next...Mewtwo...Mewtwo...s
Scientist: I’m sorry professor. But, what the FUCK is Mew?
Professor Oak: Shit dude. No fucking idea. Well, I better add it in here at #151...seems a logical place to put it, seeing as you would have had to discover Mew first in order to create Mewtwo...
Scientist: That doesn’t make any sense Professor. Wouldn’t it be logical to add Mew first, before Mewtwo, seeing as you have here, that it’s a MEWTATED clone of Mew?
Professor Oak: GTFO. KTHXBI.
And that, is what I think should be added to the list of biggest problems the world has today. However, dare I say, Mewtwo was a much better Pokémon than Lucario. If you wanted to look any more like a creepier version of Fox McCloud from the Star Fox series, I’d probably have to kill you (see image below).
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