 | Abbreviations University Students Should Be Using Volume I People piss me off. It tears me inside to think that this is the most credible and knowledgable period of civilisation ever. Most people ask me, "Matt, why do you hate this era so much? I mean back in the old days people got married at 14 and died in their mid 30s due to lack of hygene"
I tell them, "Well, back in the old times they didn’t allow people who were completely stupid to live amongst the average and intelligent in one collective society."
I mean it is true. People are just naturally and more openly stupid nowadays. Without the pressure of being ’offed’ execution style if they came up with irrelevant and stupid responses to things, some people have taken advantage of this lapse in strictness and decided "Hey, you know what? Fuck the lecture material, I’m going to start my own shit."
My peers it is true, this world is doomed. I mean if Jesus decided to chill for a weekend of drugs and partying in Brisbane - and to disguise himself as an athiest to try and convert christians studying religion at UQ so that they can go to hell because he found they were too unbearable in heaven - then he would be thinking "Wow...fuck. I died so that Cliff could live. God must really have it in for me."
He would have also complained about the lack of sensibility in lectures and in tutorials. I know he would have. Cause he told me. Over a couple of beers at the Red Room at UQ. He said he was so bummed about what he did one fateful Friday, that he asked Jeremy and I to set the world straight and fix his errors. He gave us a big stone and a chisel (which we convieniently swapped for paper and a pen when he was passed out) and told us to write out a list of abreviations that University students could use to keep the snorkel heads and idiots from wasting precious time and vocal chords. Upon completion we named it the:
Abbreviations University Students Should Be Using Volume I
Behold, tremble before it’s awesome power! Begone evil spirits of Irrelevance!
How to read this guide:
The type of statement comes first, then follows the abreviation in Bold. Then follows the explanation. In fact, those that should be using this blog as a tool for thwarting idiocy will not need to read this. Those that are reading...stop now. This was my trial to see if you were worthy of reading my guide.
Let’s kick things off with the Abreviation that started it all: Jerematt’s:
Irrelevant Fucking Question (IFQ): I shall use the original Urban Dictionary version by Jerematt on October 9th 2007;
1. n. Accronym for "Irrelevant Fucking Question". Often occurs in Philosophy classes where nobody has done the readings and someone feels the need to broadcast their idiocy by bringing up that article "that I didn’t really read but it totally counters that argument so it’s out there and look it up for yourself anyway I’m right".
2. The outburst which follows such a phenomenon.
The Lecturer quoted, "’Can God create a rock so massive that he himself cannot lift it?’ Does this pose a problem for the notion of omnipotence?".
"I read something on Free Will the other day," said Rodney, "Do you think this disproves God too?."
*pointless ten-minute argument*
"*groan* IFQ..."
IFQ’s are the most common source of useless speech from idiotic assholes. Worst thing is: these people think they are so fucking smart that they don’t NEED to read the course material before the lecture or tutorial - they can make up their own shit and just because the course is philosophy they think they can be relevant all the time (and right!). It doesn’t work that way...you douches. Just shut up. SHUT UP about your "well ummm...you mentioned the proof of existance for God, but do bunny rabbits believe in God?" or your "Dennett does actually pretty much pwn consciousness right?" Because it is just so fucking annoying, and the lecturer has to treat students with respect, yet inside they are imagining slashing their veins with a sharp instrument or scooping their eyes out with a spoon and replacing them with cadbury easter eggs. The lecturers spend all their time explaning something about some bullshit that they don’t get to finish the lecture on time. The other annoying thing about an IFQ is, once the first is made, the seal is broken and credibility goes flying out the window with an endless barrage of IFQs left right and centre. If you should ever notice an IFQ, tell them to STFU. Jesus would be proud. And everyone (with credibility) loves Jesus...right?
Irrelevant Fucking Statement (IFS): These are not as common as IFQs. They are usually made by snobby teenagers who think they know everything there is to know in the entire universe and thus because of their ’supreme knowledge’ feel it is necessary to act like dicks around people by telling them how to live their lives. Worst thing is - this is in the middle of a fucking COGNITION AND PERCEPTION COURSE. Not fucking Dr Phill! These are the kinds of people who think they are oprah, worship Dr Phill as the best psychologist ever and think everything that Freud says is true. These IFS often lead to the ISFI Effect (I’m So Fucking Interested Effect).
An example of an IFS:
Lecturer: "So...when parents give their kids pictures, they could implant false memories into their brains..."
Student: "Yeah so, like, when you go on holidays you should never take pictures and just experience things first hand, ya?"
Lecturer: "Right. Well...uh...I can’t take this shit anymore! I need ma crack pipe back!"
Interpretation: Notice the sense of ’head up own ass’ style of speaking. These people love the smell of their own farts. South Park has taught us that these people probably drive hybrid cars and mock other people for driving pick up trucks.
Now you’re probably asking "Wow Matt. How the FUCK do I spot one of these annoying sons of bitches so that I don’t sit next to them in my next lecture or tutorial?" That’s easy. The people who tend to ask IFQs and IFS are generally people who wear funny hats (not ha-ha funny but fucking stupid berets and shit) and dress in conservative clothing (mostly these two apply to women). Other suspected IFQ and IFS ists wear cheesy glasses, moppy / messy hair, have man bags draped over their RIGHT shoulders so that they can hold their mocca’s with their left hand. They also, more often than not, own Macbooks.
"Ok, so Matt. You’ve told me how to spot an idiot. You’ve also told me the basics in IFQ and IFS hunting. How do I distinguish between something that is relevant and what is not?"
That is a very good question. Here is the simplest answer, in terms that idiots would understand:
If you’re in psychology:
something about brains = relevant
something about bunnys = irrelevant
Application: In a psychology setting consider this scenario and circle the correct response.
You are in PSYC2020 Neuropsych tute. Your tutor has asked you to draw a brain on the part of the human body it is located. Do you:
a) draw it inside the head
or;
b) state "My bunny has a brain."
If you circled a) then you are correct and you have now successfully acquired the skills in distinguishing between what is relevant and what is not.
"Ok so you’ve now taught me how to distinguish between relevance and irrelevance. But how do I go about trying to stop these idiots from carrying out their time wasting ways?"
I really do wish I had an answer to that. But unfortunately people like Cliff just seem to keep getting stronger and stronger by the minute. These Dennett loving fucktards are a shit stain on University of Queensland’s proud and historical heritage. This is a university. Do not let these idiots turn the place into a toilet bowl.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It may look nice and rich but once you’ve eaten the whole box, you start to feel sick and fat like the rest of the surrendermonkeys that inhabit the Earth. The only cure, I’m afraid, is prevention. Do not let them be your friend. Do not let them influence your way of thinking. Do not, under any circumstances, get into a car with them AT ANY STAGE.
Now as I finish writing this out, Jeremy and I now have to get Jesus home before he chokes on his tongue and before his dad finds out. Be sure to check this space soon for abreviation updates! Ciao!
With love,
M@
P.S. I almost forgot. University of Queensland are the first university to acknowledge the growing number of IFQ and IFS adopters and therefore have created an entire degree titled: Bachelor of Irrelevant Bullshit. Here are some of the courses they will be doing and the skills they will learn, should they enrol in this fine course:
BSHI1000 - Introduction to Bullshit
Students are asked not to read the course material before every lecture and tutorial and are required to come up with their own ideas about anything. Students will learn the basic steps needed to ask IFQs, write IFE (Irrelevant Fucking Essays) and 20% of the assessment is based on ego levels.
BSHI1013 - Bullshit and Cognitive Science
An optional first year course lecturered by the one and only Cliff, students are expected to agree that Dennett is the saviour of all things that are considered ’anti-dualist.’ Students will learn the art of attacking the straw man and making stupid childish remarks when owned to save face. Students will also learn the art of stating that two things that are totally different (like chalk and cheese) are actually pretty much the same thing - a skill pioneered at this very University by Cliff himself. A recommended elective.
BSHI2000 - Statistics Behind IFQs
Students will apply statistical rules in order to find the frequency of IFQs asked around campus. Lectures will also cover how to increase these frequency levels and how to get the most out of your IFQ statistics.
BSHI2010 - History and IFQs
A history course outlining the awful period of time where sense was considered a pre-requisite to receive a higher education. Students will discover how civilisation has evovled from these times.
BSHI2013 - Bullshit and Cognitive Science II
Cliff takes the reins of another COG SCI lecture in order to further disregard the use of thought processing before speaking in philosophical debates. We look at how Cliff believes computers can actually ’think’ like humans. He also explains his plans for ’Cliffette’ - a female robot version of himself to use as an alibi while selling pingers to kids on the rough streets of Sir Fred Schoenell Drive.
BSHI2069 - Making the perfect IFQ - Structuring and Presenting
A drama class where students are asked to plan, script and perform an IFQ every week to use in other subjects that require sense to attend. The course covers the structure of an IFQ all the way to presenting and receiving the answer from the lecturer while nodding your head like the information he / she is telling you is so fucking important enough that it will be on the exam - despite it being irrelevant and left off the actual lecture slides because of this fact. |
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